Joke of the Day

Introduce yourself. Tell some jokes, off topic stuff. Kick back take your boots off.

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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby rockingmtranch » Tue Sep 06, 2011 8:54 am

When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software
giants. Sun, SCO(UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and
named them Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms Vista respectively.

A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom
didn't fit correctly.

Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".

They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the
underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and
found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions
given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself
would forget why he was using CondomiX.

Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Vista. To his surprise it was so
good.....and comfortable! He used it happily.

Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant.
He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following
reply from Microsoft:

A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!!!
Linux. Don't fight it. You will be assimilated.
*******
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Tue Sep 06, 2011 8:57 am

:mrgreen:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Thu Sep 08, 2011 8:59 pm

Why do we say boob ?

Of course the existing English synonyms for breast were not enough for Americans, so they wanted an additional specific word, hence the singular boob and the plural boobs (though never more than two in one set, except in Science Fiction).

Well, the root word is very simply based on the graphical illustration from 3 different angles of view, occipital (top view), ventral (front view) and lateral (side view):

Spoiler:
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Self-explanatory, isn't it?

I love different points of view!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Sun Sep 11, 2011 12:06 pm

haha I'm gonna steal that. :rotf:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Sun Sep 11, 2011 1:50 pm

JeanInMontana wrote:haha I'm gonna steal that. :rotf:

It isn't my creation, so feel free ..
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Sun Sep 11, 2011 3:21 pm

I would give credit if I knew who deserved it. I moved your post to this main forum, as where you put it is meant for site issues. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this day!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Sat Sep 17, 2011 11:12 am

Email from the Queen
An important announcement regarding the USA


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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

Greetings.

In light of your latest failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a sense of humour (NOT humor)!

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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Sat Sep 17, 2011 5:50 pm

NOT :whp:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Tue Sep 20, 2011 2:17 am

.
Commercial blooper shown in a Belgian TV talk-show.

The Flemish TV-commentator reveals that the big snake shown, first in the still image, then in the video clip, is an actor in live advertising. The animal has a sn(e)aky but hilarious sense of humour, somewhat embarrassing to its handlers.

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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby W3FSY » Wed Sep 21, 2011 7:12 pm

Italian Golfers live longer

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well', says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?' The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married! Why would an 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
:scrm:
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(General Class Amateur Radio Operator licensed since 1955.)

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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Tue Sep 27, 2011 2:42 am

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Firefox Add-on Developers
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Thu Oct 13, 2011 3:52 am

Hospital Chart Bloopers
(Actual writings from hospital charts)


1 . The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (OMG! That is an awesome examination!)

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Sat Oct 15, 2011 5:56 pm

Some good ones above. :rotf:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Sun Jan 08, 2012 9:21 am

I'm not really sorry I'm retired, but still, once in a while I'm overcome with nostalgia.

Watching this video made my eyes brim with tears and had me ...
Spoiler:

ROTFLMAO
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Sun Jan 08, 2012 9:32 am

...

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandmother. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in her car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes your car a Bugatti.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station ...

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw fish to them.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify: ________" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 52 or 53 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt ... plus a slice of lemon ... and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS - all except the one where you are naked in church.

Corduroy Pillow Cases are making head-lines lately.

I Like Cooking With Wine - sometimes I even put it in the food.

Dyslexics Have Erom Nuf.

Sometimes Too Much To Drink Is Still Not Enough.

I May Be A Schizophrenic, but At Least I Have Each Other.

In just Two Days, Tomorrow Will Be Yesterday.

Happy New Year!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Fri Apr 05, 2013 9:22 am

From a long time friend on the Internet.
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES'.
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: My addition I had the urge to say why bother?

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL BUTT' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Sun Jun 16, 2013 7:07 am

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
-Johnny Carson

AT THE SCALE-MANUFACTURERS' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. Some visitors abstained, however, not wishing to advertise their weight.

A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.

She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three."
Justifiable homicide I would think......


Here are a few more Things to think about that you probably have never
thought about before...

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Who was the first person to look at an egg come out of a chickens butt and say "That looks like some good eatin!"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that turns the toast into a charcoal briquette, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police ! and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside t! he hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride;
he sticks his head out the window?

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he
said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."


Oneliners

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

If you love someone, fight fair.

Never turn down the conversation of a child.

A massage can change your whole world view.

I have a bi-color lawn: brown grass and green weeds.

Do not share things that are dear to you with people who are not.

Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?

The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand.

Time flies whether or not you're having fun.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

I've learned more from silence than from any other teacher.

If I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

For that matter, how come wrong numbers are never busy?

Skydivers are good to the last drop.

We can learn a lot from people who keep their mouth shut.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

If it's the thought that counts, think money.

The biggest disadvantage to being poor is that it's so expensive.

Everyone you meet is your teacher.

Many of our ambitions are nipped in the budget.

A great many people confuse their lack of planning with an emergency.

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

We should make tail lights different colors so that gridlock is more interesting.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Need help to eat less and exercise? Put up a full length mirror in your bathroom.

He's one person who would make a perfect stranger.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Forget the whales, save the cowboy.

Eat American lamb. Ten million coyotes can't be wrong.


Stumpy got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his
supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Stumpy separated
the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely
pleased by this, the supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first
day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very
pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers
we've ever had."

"Thank you, Sir" said Stumpy, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even
better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly
do any better than you did today?"

Stumpy replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."
-Dave Letterman

"Look at this!" my husband fumed. He was holding up a pair of our
teenage son's smelly sneakers.

"I found these on the kitchen table. Doesn't he know how disgusting that
is?"

Dropping the shoes on the mat by the back door, he went outside to work
on our car.

A few hours later, I couldn't find a place to put my groceries. Sitting
in the middle of the kitchen table was a carburetor!


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"



The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"



The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

I really like the one below....LOL

Choice of Weapons


A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.
It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel.
And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his Big Sister!"

Now these gals can be in my club any ol' time!

Two of the secretaries at the high school where I taught for many years
had a morning break together and it was their practice to share sweets
and coffee daily in the teachers' room. One day one would bring
something to share and the next day the other would bring something to
share.

Frequently a male teacher would pass through while the ladies were
taking their morning break. He would see their goodies on the table and
say something like.

"Oh, doughnuts!"

Then he would help himself and keep right on going into the copy room.
This practice of his grated on their nerves since he was never offered
anything, never contributed, or even asked if he could help himself.

So one day after they had taken all of this they could, they took a
doughnut that was filled with custard, squeezed out the custard and
replaced it with mustard. That day the male teacher came in helped
himself to the only doughnut left on the plate and kept on walking. He
never said one word about the mustard, but he never did come in again
while the secretaries were taking their break.

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me.
He was covered with bandages from head to toe.

"What do you do for a living?" I said to him.

"Well, I used to be a window washer."

"When did you give it up?"

"Halfway down."


CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT
(Johnny Carson)

ANSWER: Gatorade.
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?

ANSWER: Bible belt.
QUESTION: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?

ANSWER: Milk and honey.
QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

ANSWER: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
QUESTION: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

ANSWER: An unmarried woman.
QUESTION: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?

ANSWER: Old wives' tale.
QUESTION: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

ANSWER: Skalliwags.
QUESTION: What does your skalli do when it's happy?

ANSWER: "Rose Bowl."
QUESTION: What do you say when it's Rose's turn
at the bowling alley?

ANSWER: That darn cat.
QUESTION: Who ruined that darn rug?

ANSWER: Grape Nuts.
QUESTION: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

ANSWER: Supervisor.
QUESTION: What does Clark Kent wear
to keep the sun out of his eyes?

ANSWER: Shake-N-Bake.
QUESTION: Describe a double feature with Earthquake
and The Towering Inferno.

Old Castle


A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.
At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it.
She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and
passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."



Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the
pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk
with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With
expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it
out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing
beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."




I Can't Afford My Gasoline
(have your speakers on, too!)

http://toccionline.kizash.com/films/1001/178/

Even without sound it is funny.
Do you work for a psychopath?

I like to treat my employees with respect. I let them do their job and don’t get in their way.
We work hard but we have fun. Granted, there are different management styles.
But when does it go too far?

Is your employer manipulative and self-important? Does he (or she) care only about his success?
Then maybe he has a psychopathic personality. Fast Company's quiz will help you find out.

Browse the "Bosses from Hell" gallery. It casts a new light on history.
You'll be surprised to see who's listed here.

And if your boss can be classified as psychopathic, read the tips.
You'll find out how to cope.

TO VISIT TODAY'S COOL SITE, GO HERE:
www.fastcompany.com/magazine/96/open_boss-quiz.html



EVOLUTION, INTELLIGENT DESIGN FAIL TO EXPLAIN BUSH
Scientists in Oslo Debate Origin of President

At a conference being held this week in Oslo, Norway, over one thousand
of the world's leading scientists have concluded that neither the theory
of evolution nor the theory of intelligent design adequately explain
President George W. Bush.

The conference, which organizers hoped would shed new light on the
origin of the U.S. president, has so far led to more bafflement than
insight, according to the University of Tokyo's Hiroshi Kyosuke.

"There are some here who firmly believe that the theory of evolution
explains President Bush, since he shares many characteristics in common
with the chimpanzee," said Mr. Kyosuke, one of the world's leading
zoologists. "And yet, if you put him and a chimp side by side, it is
hard to say with any confidence that Mr. Bush has evolved."

Similarly, supporters of the intelligent design theory have been
frustrated in their attempts to apply that theory to President Bush, Mr.
Kyosuke said.

"Most efforts to call Mr. Bush the result of intelligent design crumble
to dust the moment he opens his mouth," Mr. Kyosuke said. "So we're
really back to square one."

Source: http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_r ... 1201&srch=

Have a great weekend, stay safe.
~Think Globally * Dream Universally~Anon
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