Joke of the Day

Introduce yourself. Tell some jokes, off topic stuff. Kick back take your boots off.

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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby rockingmtranch » Fri Jun 18, 2010 7:40 am

Did you hear? They finely got that well fixed in the Gulf? Got a huge gold wedding band and put it around the well head and it hasn't put out since!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby rockingmtranch » Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:57 am

A college graduate was suffering from constipation, his
doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later he
complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the
desired results.

"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.

He say's, "What do you think I've been doing, shoving them
up my ass?"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Wed Jul 21, 2010 3:32 pm

:rotf: Not a bad idea . :drnk:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby rockingmtranch » Sun Jul 25, 2010 10:08 am

There is evidence that the brain is like a computer. If that's true, then there really aren't any stupid people, just people running DOS.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:51 am

Don't you mean Doh's? :rotf:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:10 am

.
....................Kneeling High Jump Record

A new world record has been set for the high jump from a *kneeling* position.

The record (0.757 meters) - remember this is from a kneeling position - was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France.

This photograph was taken a split second before the jump - but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.
knee_jump.jpg
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Tue Aug 10, 2010 3:34 am

From my cousin's British friend

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, 'Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
__________________________________________________________
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he always was.'
_______________________________________________________
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise..' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
__________________________________________________________
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
__________________________________________________________
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.' I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
__________________________________________________________
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
__________________________________________________________
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
__________________________________________________________
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10, oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Tue Aug 10, 2010 3:38 am

Womens' lament:
MEN !!!
_________________________________________________________
One day, my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " OHIO STATE !"

And they say blondes are dumb ...
_________________________________________________________
A couple is lying in bed.

The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you ..."
_________________________________________________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today." Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_________________________________________________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor!
_________________________________________________________
Dear Lord, I beg you to grant me
Wisdom to understand my husband,
Love to forgive his gaffes,
Patience to endure his fickle moods.

Because, Lord, if you granted me Strength,
I would beat him to death.

AMEN
_________________________________________________________
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
_________________________________________________________
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
_________________________________________________________
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
_________________________________________________________
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
_________________________________________________________
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename your email folder "Instruction Manuals."

Sorry, fellows, just passing it on.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JoeKerr » Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:29 pm

Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your Birthday what do you say we go out to lunch just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.
Friendship Prayer: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch. Amen

I was busy making plans when life got in the way - John Lennon

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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Wed Oct 27, 2010 6:16 pm

JOE!! :urok: Where have you been? Are you married? Do you have kids? lol :yay:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby rockingmtranch » Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:17 am

Unfortunately, that would be me on the couch LMAO :bst: ......as a side note Joe, any relation to a John Kerr in San Diego?
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:03 pm

:rotf: Joe Kerr = Joker... look at the avatar. :celb:

rockingmtranch wrote:Unfortunately, that would be me on the couch LMAO :bst: ......as a side note Joe, any relation to a John Kerr in San Diego?
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby rockingmtranch » Sat Oct 30, 2010 6:36 pm

JeanInMontana wrote::rotf: Joe Kerr = Joker... look at the avatar. :celb:

rockingmtranch wrote:Unfortunately, that would be me on the couch LMAO :bst: ......as a side note Joe, any relation to a John Kerr in San Diego?

I know that Jean. Doesn't hurt to ask. He did add the extra "r".
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Sun Oct 31, 2010 4:40 pm

Didn't mean to upset you Mac. -:-
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JoeKerr » Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:48 am

rockingmtranch wrote:......as a side note Joe, any relation to a John Kerr in San Diego?

Nope, no relation ;)


Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -

Sinko De Mayo.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby rockingmtranch » Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:39 am

JeanInMontana wrote:Didn't mean to upset you Mac. -:-

Oh Jean, it takes a lot more than that to upset me :hgs:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Tue Nov 02, 2010 4:03 pm

lol I was being sarcastic ya know. :urok:
rockingmtranch wrote:
JeanInMontana wrote:Didn't mean to upset you Mac. -:-

Oh Jean, it takes a lot more than that to upset me :hgs:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Tue Nov 02, 2010 4:04 pm

Got this in email today from a cousin and it's too funny.

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise



I, the
Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,



P. Niss

The Response






Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the

Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task ..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Pericoloso Sporgersi » Sun Nov 21, 2010 5:43 am

Floor it!

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the dealer's parking lot. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph, then 140, then 160mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Sun Nov 21, 2010 2:51 pm

I'll have to remember that only say Ex. lmao
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby rockingmtranch » Sun Nov 28, 2010 10:13 am

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"

But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.

By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.

The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby tinaincal » Mon Nov 29, 2010 9:02 am

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. It's all so beautiful, God," Eve replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights -- everything is so wonderful; but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that, since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically balanced". That's a fair point," replied God. "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" Just fantastic," she replied, "except for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has a bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a minute, and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now, let's see ... where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't that make more sense than that crap about the rib?
T that's me!

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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Sat Dec 04, 2010 3:55 pm

:rotf: LOL now I know why Rock's is in the trash LOL
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby rockingmtranch » Wed Jan 19, 2011 8:37 am

COPPER WIRE

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had
a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed,
an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and
shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old
copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years
earlier than the British".

One week later, the New Zealand Herald, reported the
following: "After digging to a depth of 30 feet in his backyard
in Onerahi, Bill Paku, a self-taught archaeologist and avid
Motorhomer, reported that he found absolutely f--- all.

Paku has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, New Zealand
had already gone wireless."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JeanInMontana » Wed Jan 19, 2011 6:28 pm

:rotf: good one
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